


summer

by campanellaes



Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - No Killing Game (Dangan Ronpa), Birthdays, College AU, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, i guess, i promise its not as depressing as it sounds lol, its very easy to project conversations ive had/wish i had onto these two, pensive emoji
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-16 15:07:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28708656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/campanellaes/pseuds/campanellaes
Summary: no matter how many times he retraces his steps, the answer never changes. he closes his eyes. the train of thought is worn into his mind, a deep groove that he knows like the back of his hand. he knows where each thought will start and where they will lead him, an atlas of the paths his mind takes when he thinks about dying.
Relationships: Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi
Comments: 4
Kudos: 63





	summer

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in july around my birthday when i had too much time to think and started thinking about old friends i never talk to anymore... so its kinda old and isnt quite as good as what i can do now but i love saiou and wanted to post something for it

"Hey. Shuichi."

Shuichi looks over. Kokichi is leaning back against the balcony railing, bathed in the warm glow from the kitchen window. The faint roar of the night fills the space between them, cicadas and distant city traffic, clinging summer heat and the smell of alcohol. A dog barks somewhere a few streets down.

Kokichi opens his mouth, and closes it again, and sighs. The night air hangs still and heavy, offering him no reprieve. Shuichi takes in the way he lets his exhaustion show on his face and in the way his body droops against the railing. He's drained, they both are, but they're finally alone.

Kokichi tilts his head back and stares up at nothing. "If... you were to die tomorrow. Tonight. Would you have any regrets?"

"What? What kind of question is that?"

Kokichi rolls his eyes. "Just answer it."

Shuichi leans his elbows against the railing and rests his chin in his hands. "I don't know." He's tired and a little drunk and he doesn't really want to think about it. No matter how many times he retraces his steps, the answer never changes. He closes his eyes. The train of thought is worn into his mind, a deep groove that he knows like the back of his hand. He knows where each thought will start and where they will lead him, an atlas of the paths his mind takes when he thinks about dying. He'll think about Kokichi, about waking up next to him early in the morning and seeing him sleeping peacefully, safe and contented. He'll think about coming home to him every evening, exhausted from classes, to find that he's already prepared dinner for his beloved Shuichi. He'll think about falling asleep in Kokichi's arms, he'll think about the row of succulents on their kitchen windowsill, their weekend brunch plans, their blanket fort on the couch, and he'll think about the time they have left, time they have yet to spend together- "Probably. Yeah."

"So you're not scared of the future then, huh?"

Shuichi opens his eyes and stares out into the distance. He can barely make out the silhouette of the black trees against the slightly-less-black sky. "I didn't say that."

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Kokichi tilt his head. "But you said that you don't wanna die, basically."

"Even if that were the case all the time, that doesn't mean I think my future is bulletproof and all figured out." The inside of Shuichi's head is all blurry from exhaustion and the buzz of alcohol and trying to pick apart Kokichi's fucked up logic makes it that much worse. "What, is that how you see me?"

"Uh huh. You've always got your shit sorted out better than I do and all that, ya know." Kokichi says it like Shuichi Saihara and having-shit-sorted-out just naturally go together, like its the easiest thing in the world.

"Kokichi. You've been living with me for over a year, you know that's not true." I've had just as many shitty days as you, Shuichi would say, but he doesn't. It wouldn't be fair.

"It is." Kokichi turns his head to look at Shuichi. Shadows flit across his face, vague and indistinct. "You say it's not true, but it is. You're still in college and you have internships lined up and you, like, actually have a future. You're fucking... flawless compared to someone like me."

"You shouldn't... compare yourself to me, or anybody else. You're your own person, you don't have to be defined by what-"

"When everyone was here earlier they all looked at me like they pitied me for being an utter fucking failure. Or like they pitied you for being crazy enough to waste your time on someone like me." Kokichi's words tumble out gracelessly, faster and faster, piling on top of one another. "They fucking resent me for dragging you down all the time. Can't you see it?" 

"Kokichi, what on earth are you talking about, I-"

"They only came because you were the one who invited them. Because you're their friend and they wanna do what makes you happy. They don't give a shit about me, because all I've ever done is make a fucking mess of everything, and I should just-"

"For the love of god, Kokichi, can you just calm down for a second?"

"No! You're just gonna patronise me again and say something like 'ooohh, you tried your best' or 'aww it's not youw fauwt you poow baby' but you never fucking get it, it is my own goddamn fault and I'm sick of it!"

Shuichi's shocked into silence. He... didn't mean for those words to come across that way, he really didn't. He only meant to be encouraging. Did kokichi see them as just more lies?

"Stop wasting your breath trying to paint me as some fucking... blameless, innocent victim, because I'm not." Kokichi huffs angrily. "I've been doing absolutely nothing with my life for the past... what, fifteen months now? I don't know. I dont know! I fucked everything up. I hate it. I hate being a burden to you. I..." 

"Kokichi."

"It's so stupid. I hate this." Kokichi turns away and buries his face in his hands.

"Kokichi, just listen to me." Shuichi reaches out and Kokichi immediately bats his hand away.

"Shut up. I fucking hate you."

"No, you don't." Shuichi pulls his hand back and rests it on the railing. An ache grows in his chest, pushes at his throat and pricks at his eyes, and he swallows it back down.

Kokichi doesn't say anything.

"Hey." Delicately, Shuichi reaches out again and touches Kokichi's shoulder. He doesn't react this time. "I'm sorry. Just talk to me, please." I would never forgive myself if you slipped away from me, Shuichi doesn't say, because it's not about him.

The silence stretches just long enough to tie a knot in Shuichi's stomach before Kokichi finally pulls his hands away from his face, wiping his eyes. "I'm so fucked up," he whispers. "I'm so useless and fucked up. Someday you're really gonna realize, and you're gonna leave, and then I'll have nothing." 

"You're not-"

"I don't deserve you. But I don't want you to leave." Kokichi's voice cracks. "It's so stupid, and selfish. I," he heaves a shaky breath. "I... I was thinking. About... if I were to die. Last night, I mean. And. I kept thinking about you. And just. I would miss you so much." 

Shuichi blinks back the stinging in his eyes, and reaches for Kokichi's hand. He links their hands together and stares at the way their fingers intertwine and feels his vision blur with tears, because he doesn't know what to say. He never does. 

"I tried... really hard, not to think about... about whether you would miss me," Kokichi continues, his voice barely a whisper. "I've already hurt you so much. I... couldn't take it if you wouldn't miss me too, you know?"

"I would miss you," Shuichi says. It's the only thing he can say. "I would miss you so fucking much. Please don't go."

"I'm... I didnt." Kokichi offers him a weak smile, reaches over to dry his cheeks with his sleeve. "I'm still here, aren't I?" 

"You should've told me. That you weren't doing okay last night." Shuichi would've dropped everything to be by his side- he has, in the past, and so has Kokichi, for him. They hold each other together. It's always been that way. And he wants it to always be that way, until they're strong enough to stand on their own or until death do them part.

Kokichi shrugs, looks down at his feet. "Yeah. Maybe. Probably," he sighs. "I was just... scared. It wasn't really anything special, yknow. It just reminded me that you'd be better off without me." 

Shuichi squeezes Kokichi's hand tighter. "What were you scared of?" he whispers.

"It's... kinda stupid."

"Aren't all anxieties kind of stupid when you say them out loud?"

"Fine." Kokichi sighs. "It's just... like, I turned twenty today, and... I never expected to make this far, ya know?"

Shuichi knows all too well.

"So last night, I just... panicked. Felt like I had thrown away all my chances and was out of time to... I dunno, make something of myself? And I couldn't stop thinking about how I keep letting you down, and how I wanted it to stop, and... I guess I felt like I was out of options."

Was I not an option? Shuichi wonders. It wouldn't be fair of him to ask because, well, Kokichi is still standing right there in front of him, alive and well, isn't he? He must've chosen to trust Shuichi. He must have.

"But then we'd made plans to have everyone over to celebrate, and I didn't want them to see how much I... I haven't changed, since then." Kokichi scrubs at his eyes with his free hand. "How I'm still just a piece of shit and the only things I'm good for are using other people and dying in a ditch somewhere."

"That's not true," Shuichi interjects. Hearing Kokichi talk about himself like this breaks his fucking heart, and it's not true, it's a lie, it's the worst lie Kokichi tells himself. "You've come so far since then. You should be proud." 

"Should I? I still keep expecting to die, and it still keeps not happening. Wonder what I'm doing wrong."

Shuichi reaches over and takes Kokichi's other hand, holds it gently as if it's something deeply sacred. "When you asked me if I would have any regrets, I thought of you instantly. I thought about you, about... how we've made a home out of this dumb apartment, but really, you're my home, Kokichi, and about how much more time together we still have ahead of us. I don't really know where I was going with this, but... I just want to stay with you. No matter what you think of yourself."

"Wow, I didn't know you were such a sap, Shuichi."

"Stop deflecting, I'm being serious." Shuichi smiles despite himself- he'll never stop being amazed at this effect Kokichi has on him- and leans closer. "Kokichi, I love you so much. Leaving you behind would be my biggest regret."

Kokichi's eyes widen. "...Promise you're not lying?"

"Of course I'm not." Shuichi chuckles quietly. "Aren't you supposed to be able to tell?"

"W-well, maybe, maybe not!" Kokichi pouts at him, looks away. "You just- you're so... remorselessly genuine, you know that? You still catch me off guard sometimes. It's... it's what I love about you."

Wordlessly, Shuichi pulls Kokichi in close and holds him as tight as he can, feels his solid warmth pressed against him, arms wrapped around his waist, and the ache in his chest swells. Fresh tears roll down his face.

Kokichi gently presses his hands to Shuichi's chest and pushes them apart, just far enough to look at each other. "Shuichi. Shuichi, I love you. But it's not gonna save me." He's smiling, resigned and forlorn, and it's tearing Shuichi apart all over again. "I'm still just... me. Down the line, are you really gonna be okay with that? I mean. I wish I could change. For you, or- or for myself, it doesn't matter. But I just- I can't. I can't do it."

He slides back into Shuichi's embrace, standing on his tiptoes. "Can I tell you a secret?" he whispers into Shuichi's ear. "I'm so afraid you'll leave me no matter what I do. Whether I'm not good enough as I am, or... whether I change into somebody you don't like."

"Kokichi." Shuichi draws in a ragged breath, trying to collect his equally ragged thoughts. "Kokichi. You're not irredeemable. And-" why has life dealt Kokichi so much pain? "You don't need saving, you really don't. There will never be a time where you're not good enough for me. I just-" Shuichi wants to be the one to save him. It's such a selfish want. "I can't make any promises for what will happen down the line. But I can say with absolute certainty that right now, I'm not going to leave you." It's the only thing he can do.

"After all this, you're still gonna stay with me?" Kokichi shakes his head, fond and incredulous and brimming with tears. "You're hopeless, Shuichi. What did I ever do to deserve you?"

Shuichi just holds him tighter in response, and Kokichi buries his face into Shuichi's chest. He doesn't want Kokichi to see his face, exhausted and still streaked with tears. He's trying so hard to hold it together, even though he's never felt like the strong one, between the two of them. He's so tired but he loves him so, so much.

"Hey, Shuichi." Kokichi lifts his head.

"Yeah? What is it?" Gently, Shuichi runs his fingers through Kokichi's hair, brushing stray ends out of his face. He'd hold him like this forever, raw and beautiful, if he could. If the universe would allow it.

"Thanks for listening to my dumb crap. I know I'm a dumpster fire, but like... I'm your dumpster fire, right?" 

"Yeah. Yeah, you are." Shuichi leans down and kisses Kokichi's forehead tenderly. "And I'm yours, as long as you'll have me."

"You know..." Kokichi hesitates. "When you say stuff like that, it makes me feel like I'm gonna be okay."

"You're saying that like it's a bad thing."

"I'm not! It's just- I'm- "

"It's okay, I was just joking." Shuichi cups Kokichi's face in his hand, runs his thumb over his cheek, and kisses him softly. They pull apart a few seconds later, and Shuichi marvels at how starry-eyed Kokichi still gets even though they've kissed probably hundreds of times. It's such a lovely, innocent thing about him.

"W-well yeah, I knew that! Who do you take me for?" Flustered, Kokichi tucks his face into Shuichi's chest. "Uuuugh, I hate you, you make me so- nnngh."

"But that's a lie, yeah?" 

"...Yeah. I love you." Kokichi's reply is mumbled into the fabric of Shuichi's shirt, but it warms him to his core all the same. "And, um. This sounds lame, but... as long as you're here, I think I can make my peace with not dying. Maybe."

"And if I'm not?" It's a cruel question. Shuichi isn't sure he's ready to hear the answer. And really, he doesn't need to hear it, as long as Kokichi has an answer for himself.

"C'mon, I was trying to be sweet and you ruined it." Kokichi looks up and makes a face at him. "You're horrible."

"I'm just saying, I- "

"Yeah, yeah. I know." Kokichi goes quiet. "I don't want to think about it."

Of course. Who would want to think about something like that? Shuichi starts to regret asking, just a little bit.

"I don't want to think about who I would be without you." Kokichi's voice is barely a whisper, choked with emotion. He grabs the front of Shuichi's shirt. "Please. Can we drop it?"

"Okay. I'm sorry for pressing it." Shuichi pulls Kokichi close to him again. Is he comforting? Does he do more harm than good? Will Kokichi be okay without him? He has no idea. All he can do is try his best to be there for him, to remind him that he's loved. It's not enough, it's never enough. He doesn't know what else to do. "Let's go inside. It's late, we should get some rest."

Kokichi looks away and nods, and they open the screen door and stumble from the balcony into their kitchen. They turn out the lights and go to bed, crawling under the blankets for comfort despite the heat, pressed so close they melt together- warm and safe, just for now, just for another fleeting night. As he listens to Kokichi's breaths slow into a steady rhythm, Shuichi lies awake and thinks about living. 


End file.
